Week 11 - scary but exciting...and already my little one shows me insights...

Lo and behold, my dearest and me have now stepped into the 11th week of his now small but nonetheless important existence. This week is especially important for our family of three, as we having an appointment with Dr Wong this Friday. CM & I will need to take some blood tests to make sure that we do not have pre-existing hereditary disorders that may get passed on to peanut. Peanut will also get tested for Down. It is quite a scary thing, this unknown, but we can only pray hard that all will be well.

The past week had been rather crazy, as it draws closer to the event I am working on, things just gets busier and busier. During the whole 8 hours at work, there is hardly time for me to catch my breath other than lunch time. And sometimes, even at lunch, I find that I needed the time to just unwind and I don't feel like talking much. It is a scary feeling to have things happen so fast that you feel that you are losing grip. I just try my best to keep abreast of matters.

It has been the same roller coaster ride for me and peanut. Some days, I will ok, pretty much like what I am like usually, but there are days when the nausea, burping, heart burns, giddy spells, loss of appetite and migraine gets really bad. The fatique also 'handicaps' me to a certain extent. But I think it should get better as the 1st trimester comes to a close.

I am also blessed to have been able to go home for some home-cooked food. I was so sick and tired of food outside that I hardly feel like dinner most of the time. Mum says I can go home once or twice a week for dinner! So i hope I'm eating right for peanut, I have been trying to take more veg, i wonder if corn qualifies?

What made the week worse was really the project for my Diploma. There was hardly time to finish my work, much less the assignment. But I must say, I am proud of myself because despite the challenges, I have been able to meet my deliverables. I hope I am being the right role model for peanut from day 1. It was sheer tough lucj when I started getting a runny nose and a bad headache towards the end of the week. And the fact that I cannot take any OTC meds really did not help. I had to depend on getting enough rest, drinking loads of water, and my body's immunity to fight the germs! Thankfully, I can say at this point of time when I am making this entry that my body has recovered!! Yippee! Other than my general state of well-being, I am just glad to not be a bacteria-host to pose any threats to peanut.

The weekend that just passed was really a blessing from God. I have not been so thankful ever for a 5-day work week. The body was physically so exhausted and crying out for rest! So when the weekend came, the body just happily collasped into the sofa..just like a phone running low on batt plugged into a docking station to charge. The icing on the cake was to have CM for both Saturday and Sunday. It only happens once a month...I usually only have him for Saturday or Sunday. I really hope things will change when peanut comes along.

Saturday was spent recuperating and that gave me energy for Sunday. Finally had the security tag on my Balenciaga bag removed. The folks at the shop was helpful enough to sort that our for me even though they are unable to allow a one for one exchange. Lunch at Marche was good too, catching up with friends over my favourite Rosti ( hmm...I wonder if peanut will like potato dishes as much as I do)...and then movie..the movie was good, the storyline was surprisingly good for a animnation film. Even CM's dad was impressed. He hasn't watched animated film in a long long time. The day ended with a very very full and salty ramen meal at Vivo before we headed home. I really love my home, I feel safe and comfortable....ah, I can't wait to get home tonight...already tired...peanut is probably tired too.

Into week 10 now...

The past week will not be remembered as the past time during my pregnancy. As Dr wong had rightly predicted, I had spoken to soon when I told her I did not experience MS. What I missed in the initial weeks came back to bite me in the weeks after my first visit to Dr Wong. Everything was just topsy turvy like I have never experience before. It felt like one of those days when you feel wake up feeling unwell or like the time when I went to school on an empty stomach and ended up getting a black out, or more recently when dinner was delayed and hunger caused me to almost faint in Burger King at Pasir Ris when CM & I were catching an open air movie. The difference? It wasn’t just an isolated, random episodes, it was something that I experience everyday and often a few times in a day.

It was nausea, loss of appetite, I did not have cravings yet, but I did not feel like eating anything. There are those days where I can eat normal portions but end up feeling queasy afterwards. Then there are those days where I will be eating normally and will just stop halfway and not be able to finish my meal. I shun oily stuff now, even the smell of oil makes me feel sick in the stomach. I just like stuff like Teochew porridge and soupy stuff.

And that is just the food bit. I also get mild headaches that take forever to go away. It usually takes a nap to get rid of it. That wouldn’t be so bad if I was at home during a weekend, but it definitely sucked when I am at work. I feel really helpless at time, just reduced to lying in the sofa, not able to do much. My energy level is also reduced to an all time low. I think age has a part to play but I think it is mostly the pregnancy. No amount of sleep seems to do it for me and I will be yawning all the time.

The women on those motherhood forums are saying that thing will usually improve after the first trimester. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am really hoping to enjoy the rest of this life changing experience but it is hard to say that for now. And it isn’t helping that I am juggling work and numerous projects. God, please give me the strength and will to be a good mother to my child, just like how my mother had been for us.

Oh, and did I mention, peanut now has fingernails...how cute!!

Stressful few days and we are into week 8/9

Last week was like th craziest week ever. There were so many thing happening, and there was so little time. I had class on Wednesday, it was a make-up class for the notes that Greg did not manage to go through with us. It was a good ssession and a few of us were really glad to hear from Greg that he thinks we have got what it takes to do Comms. It was really reassuring cause there are times when you do doubt your ability even after being in the line for 6 years. The class that night ended at 11pm!

After that, it was really about clearing work before the long weekend, of which, i had to devote Sunday and Monday to studying for the final exam. It was not an easy one to study because I was always feeling 'unwell'. It wasn't serious MS but just feeling restless and uncomfortable when I am sitting or lying down. And today at lunch, I was barely halfway through my bee hoon when I felt so full that I cannot eat no more. I know that cannot be the case cause I did not have much to eat. Peanut was really turning things upside down for me.

One more day before visit to Doc's

I honestly have no idea how I am going to get through it. But me & peanut have been surviving with very little rest these days. I really feel bad towards peanut. here s(he) is, trying to grow at the fastest rate ever and I am not able to give him the energy that s(he) needs. My bad..

weekdays last week were bad, classes on Monday and Thursday ended late cause it is our last week of class. And there was also the assignment cum presentation that I was working on till the eleventh hour. I can feel being stressed out by it because of the sensations I feel. I have something that was similar to the panic attacks that I used to get before a plane ride.

The weekend was also busier than I would like it to be because of Dom & Jas' wedding. On Friday, Dom & Jas invited us out for dinner at Seah street Deli. Kinda like a quick get-together before their wedding on Sunday. It was a good gathering. I always have much fun when I get together with the WGA members. They always make me laugh. I think peanut will like these uncles when they eventually meet..

So even though we had endeavoured to sleep late on Saturday morning, CM still woke up early thinking that its a weekday. I was up quite early. These days I wake up at least one in the night, either to pee or because I was afraid we will oversleep if next day is a working day. I really don't like this kind of lifestyle. I think it is really too stressful. And moments like this really makes me think of a vast stretch of green fields. I wonder if I will really like that kind of life. Anyway, so it was a pretty lazy Saturday on the whole, just getting out of bed for meals and that was pretty much it. Even though we had wanted to go to bed earlier since CM was helping out with the wedding, we still slept at midnight.

The alarm went off at 0615h on Sunday morning. Don actually messaged all the brothers at 6am but I only woke CM up at 0615h. I reckon he will appreciate that extra 15 minutes of rest. I could not really go back to bed after that. I had bought breakfast and lunch at one shot. Not sure why but I think peanut does not like chee cheong fun. I could even get through two 'rows' of chee cheong fun and I felt full. If I tried to finish it, I was quite sure peanut will make me throw all of it out. It was more couch-potatoing till abt 10am when i decide to force myself to get more rest. I eventually still woke up at 1115h and I decided to go for a manicure & pedicure. I hope peanut is ok with me doing that, it sure seems harmless enough. It was all over pretty quickly, as always and I was back home to finish up the lunch I had bought during breakfast. About two hours later, CM was back home and we spent the rest of the afternoon watching 'Farewell to Dr Goh Keng Swee'. You can really feel the sadness of losing a great man and I think as mentioned in one of the eulogies, I think we will not see someone as great as him again. He is truly visionary and I think our society lacks this kind of talent. I think a visionary x realist is like the best every mixture, you have someone who can see beyond the horizon and have the ability to execute the plans to achieve them. Where to find in this time and age.

Then 4pm came and I started to get ready for Dom's wedding. It still turned out to be a rush in the end but I thought as long as we make it in time for the solemnisation at 6pm, it should be fine. Oh, and there was something else that I had forgotten to mention. When CM came home, he was telling me that Alan was appalled at how 'generous' the ang pows they had received were. $4! I was shocked myself but I guess it is because of the treat we were given on Friday. They were also complaining about how the air-con was not turned on even though everyone was melting.

Anyway, so the solemnisation ceremony was held at 6pm sharp. It was a simple ceremony, not sure why, but I did not get the goose pimples that I usually get at such ceremonies. After the ceremony, there really wasn't anything much for us to do. So the whole gin gang went to find ourselves a comfortable place to park ourselves while we wait for the wedding banquet to begin. The guys could not stop playing with their iPhones! These idiots! Before the iPhone, they were all playing with their PSP. With the iPhone now, it just gets worse. There were 10 of us on the table and there were 6 iPhones. CM joked how his phone is the most 'advanced', the G-phone. We eventually made our ways up when the crowd started coming in, and even then, there was nothing much to do and the guys were still at it with their iPhones. We eventually went in to take our seats and the dinner proceedings went as planned. The food was quite generous, the sharks' fins were especially generous. Jas & dom did their dance item, it wasn't perfect but I think it was good enough although I caught Jas glaring at Dom a few times. There were no videos of the morning proceedings, there also wasn't any childhood photo montages. They probably thought it was cliche but without these items, there wasn't much 'entertainment' besides us singing the school song and getting them to drink beer from glasses we had decorated with a chicken head. We call it the 'cock-head' drink cause we could not find the 'cock tail' haha.

Everything ended at approximately 11pm and we got home 20 minutes past 11pm. Took a bath and went to bed at close to 1am. And here I am, at work...in actual fact, I was here since 0630h cause CM had to be at work at 7am. I feel totally whacked out and have no idea how I am going to get through the day. Hopefully CM can pick me up from work today.

End of another phase..

Last night, I attended the last class for the Diploma course that I started last July. It was not until when I got home that I realise that I will no longer have to squeeze with the peak hour crowd at Jurong East to get on the train to Dhoby Ghaut. I will no longer have to walk that 10 minutes walk, passing by Cathay Cinema, Rrendezvous Hotel, inhaling exhaust from vehicles and second hand smoke from smokers before I get to the Bayview hotel for 2 hours and 30 minutes of lessons after a long day at work. I will not be complaining about the dry samosa and the tasteless bee hoon. I will also not have to be all wrapped up in my shawl because the air-con blowers were at full blast. Of course, I will also not have to live with the insensitive response from a classmate. There will be no more assignments after assignments, projects after projetcs, and exams after exams. (well, actually, there is one more to come, and of course, there is the graduation project)

I still cannot believe how time passes by so quickly. I cannot remember what it feels like the first time I stepped into the classroom, I cannot remember who was the first classmate I spoke to. I cannot remember what was the first thing they served us for dinner. I cannot remember how i figured out the route from the train station to the hotel, but it eventually became the route that I took for the next 11 months.

Will I miss all of these, some yes and some no. I will miss the interaction with some of my classmates. I will miss learning about some of the PR matters and new trends in the market. I will miss taking a break from the hustle and bustle of working life and being a student all over again.

But I will not miss the assignements that I have to rush through while juggling work, I will not miss a certain lecturer that did not teach us much but gave us crappy marks. I will not miss some of the horrible food they served and I will not miss getting home at almost 10pm and much later on other days. Most of all, I will not miss a classmate that has the worst mood swings ever.

I stopped and thought for a moment, why time passes by so quickly without me realising it. I had the same feeling I get the day after my wedding when I sat a the sofa in the bridal suite while CM nurses his hangover from the night before. Sidetrack, I think he was really happy that night to have been drinking so much! I wonder though if it was about the wedding or the company that night. Anyway, it is that feeling of disbelief how what you have been working on for a period of time (12 months of preparation for the wedding and 11 months for this Diploma) was over before you know it. And you kinda regret not slowing down and taking some time to appreciate the experience.

I shared with CM my feeling, it was pretty much a monologue aloud, me verbalising my thoughts and him listening. I told him how I feel that this is perhaps how things are like when life is made up of task after task, activity after activity. We just get so absorbed in completing tasks and checking off boxes, running this and that errand. By the time you tick off all the boxes, months and years would have passed. I know this is just the way life is, and it may jolly well continue to be like this and I am not sure how we can change things. I just wonder though, what else can I do to my life, on top of these boxes to check, to make it worth the while and to make this life count...anyone with a tip to share?

Into the 7th week...

i thought it'd be a good idea to record down what kind of diet I am keeping to see if I am taking in the necessary nutrients so peanut will be well. The area I am most worried about is not taking enough greens, you see, I don't take green leafy veg, I assume to be a super-taster, and green leafy veg are bitter to my taste buds..hah..

So yesterday at dinner with CM's family, I order french beans, so i can give peanut some greens. It was one of those that I found acceptable. There was also beef & chicken and some fish maw soup on top of hor fun.

This morning, I had some chee cheong fun for breakfast. I also dapao-ed a packet of bee hoon with a fish cake for lunch. For fruit, there is a whole bunch of grapes. As for dinner, it is really whatever that Bayview hotel is serving and maybe something light like tau huay for supper.

Apart from diet, I am starting to experience some discomfort. I have been waking up with that slight feeling of nausea, not to the extent of puking but a tightness in the chest area. It usually goes away after a while and after Iget some food in my stomach. It is easier when I am at home cause I can lie down but not so at work. I hope the symptoms will not be so prominent at work.

I also had a bad dream, one of those disturbing ones, I really don't like it and hope it was the result of raging hormones. Into the 7th week now, and I will see Dr Wong in about a week's time when I am into my 8th week. The stuff on the web says that we should hear peanut's heartbeat. I bet that will be really exciting. Can't wait.

Day 3 & 4 - I Love you, Peanut!

The initial excitement has worn off slightly although the idea of us expecting peanut has not really set in yet...but the physical feeling I get reminds me from time to time that little peanut is there. The feeling that I get most often is the burning sensation I get in my stomach. It is not quite the same as hunger pangs, they come in waves and you feel it 'growing' and subsiding...very peculiar. I also get sharp pain when I make sudden movement or when I laughed too hard. Some gals on the forums say that can't eat as much, I feel that too. One morning, I was eating my 6-inch Subway and I just stopped when I was two-thirds through it. I know it is not good for me to be eating irregular meals at irregular portions but I just get full and bloating really quickly. I am also burping quite a bit...haha...toilet habits have also gone hay-wired. I used to be be really regular, full load in the morning and sometimes at night. But these days, the volume has decreased and I don't get that clean feeling...

This morning, I woke up feeling slightly sick in the stomach, I didn't puke but it was churning. I think it might be because I didn't eat enough at dinner last night and the starvation through the entire night gave me that sick feeling. Lesson learn, eat sufficiently to last through the night.

I also researched on the First Born Incentive programme offered by TMC, CM thinks it is worthwhile since we will go for a lot of scans and the 5% off delivery fees should be quite good. Everyday there is something new to learn. The other things that are on my mind now is to secure the confinement auntie once Dr Wong confirms the EDD. Accordingly to the online calculator, peanut will be meeting us on 5 Jan 2010.

Day 2 of discovery but already almost week 6

Today is the second day that we confirmed the existence of our little peanut. It is a very special feeling that we can't quite put our fingers on. A little scary, a little excitement and plenty of joy. I asked CM and he said he was expecting it, spoken like he was a prophet.It is quite interesting cause I guess after not being successful for several months since we started trying, we finally took it more seriously and counted dates and took the Conceive Well supplements on a more regular basis. I am not even through the whole course yet!

Anyway, so here we are...just to make sure I peed on the second stick just to make sure its not a fluke. And the results were positive too *beam*... I also called Dr Wong's clinic yesterday to make an appointment. The nurse on the line, Kelly, wasn't really the friendliest person, in fact she sounded a little cold. So I told her that I wanted to make an appointment to see Dr Wong, and she just asked coldly if I am expecting and when the first day of my last menses was etc. She gave me an appointment in about 2 week's time in the morning, so I asked her if I can get an appointment in the afternoon so I can just take a few hours off work. But she told me, again in a very cold tone, that that was the only appointment she had in 2 weeks and that anything after that will be too late for me and it is not recommended. CM is on exercise that week, wonder if he can take some time off to accompany me on my first visit...

Anyway, so being excited about this change, I went online and read some stuff. There was this calculator that estimates the EDD, and I think we can see peanut quite early in January or maybe even December...either way, peanut will be a tiger babay..a little tiger cub..haha...and it also told me that today, 12-May-10 is the day when peanut's heart beats for the first time...how amazing is that! I suppose when we see Dr Wong in 2 week's time, we should see the heart beating...awesome!

I guess it will still take some time to sink in but I want to give peanut the best from day 1 when I know about his/her existence, so I am on folic acid and the vits already =)

Now, there is so much that I need to read and know about, time flies in a flash and it will soon be 2011...

The beginning...

So today is like a very very very very special day for me & CM...I am not like supposed to tell anyone yet. At least that is what old wives believe. The whole sequence of event was all quite strange...

CM & I have been planning for kiddos, we thought that this is the right time and so we started trying since last November. We didn't have more luck, probably cause we were not trying all that hard anyway. Things started to change slightly about a couple of weeks ago...the period was late but it had been late before, so I didn't think too much about it. Then the boobies start to get really tender but that was all normal as well before a period. But I had infrequent acute cramps in my lower abs, that I thought was a little strange. But not reading too much into it, I went about my usual activities, drinking Oolong tea and exercising...but then it started feeling a bit strange cause the period was later than usual...so CM decided it was time for me to pee on a stick...

I thought CM will forget to buy the stick but he actually remembered to get it yesterday. The pee sticks were not cheap, costing more than S$20. But I hesitated to take the test last night. It was a long night after work and class, so I was not really in the mood for it. But this morning, just before I woke up, I had a very strange dream. I can't really remember the details but it was essentially me taking the test and the results were positive. I woke up almost immediately after that. I jumped out of bed and went straight to the loo and took the pee test. I didn't even take the test in the loo in the bedroom. I did it in the common loo. I had never really bothered to read any instruction guides that intently before. I made sure I read every single word, just to make sure that I would not interpret the results wrongly. The results showed really quickly, and in barely 2 minutes, I saw in front of me, 2 lines. The moment of truth...my heart was beating faster than usual. A thousand things went through my mind all of a sudden. I went into the bedroom and woke CM up and told him about it. His reaction was really mild but I guess that is to be expected of CM, you can't really tell when he's happy and when he's not. But I guess he should be, right?

I guess things are probably going to change henceforth...exciting...

Finding the comfortable position..

I look at comfort as something that is innate. I was at my sister's place the other day watching my baby niece sleep. She was tossing and turning so much, we figured that she was trying to get to a comfortable position to sleep in. I still do that at my age, but I don't toss & turn as much now, cause after many years of practise, I kinda have an idea which position I was most comfortable falling asleep in.

Whilst there is much talk that it is not good to remain in one's comfort zone for too long, at the end of the day, we are all still looking to operate in an environment that we are comfortable in. Doing the opposite would be unnatural, IMO. But I guess life is ironic. You leave a job that you are unhappy in to look for somewhere where life treats you better. When you find a job that treats you better, you start to get restless and wonder what the world outside look like. For me, it is a little bit of the restlessness but I guess when the sugar coating wears you out and you discover a lot of the ugly stuff that lies underneath, some sort of internal conflict between playing it smart and turning a blind eye to things whilst you reconcile with your principles and values.

But I like to leave it to God to decide what is best for me. I am not being fatalistic, I am going to continue to do what i think is right but whether or not things happen after you invest time and effort into an action, IMO, is entirely up to God. I trust that He knows best and what is right for me in the months and years to come.

I told a colleague who was lamenting about the issues he had to deal with - work, family & health. I told him that whilst work may bother him most, but what mattered most was his family & health. For me, I think things are alright for me, although I wished there are more developmental opportunities. But I have got other things that are as important, if not more important to think about. CM & I hope to become parents soon, hopefully we can hear some good news soon. We are also working on renovating his parents' place. These are two things that I look forward to most these days. Although I must admit, a trip to beautiful Bali and winter wonderland in Hokkaido are also great sources of motivation. I just hope that my hard work will get recognise one day, sooner than later I hope ;P

昏君

The department meeting this morning was just ridiculous. More & More, I feel that it is a waste of time. I just don't agree with how the King runs the meeting. He doesn't ask the right question, and asks questions in the worse ever tone. It just gets on my nerves. But what really topped it off was the 'finale'...

The King 'launched' his 'blue box', yes a box that is blue for people to deposit stuff that are meant for him to sign, read etc., not the friendly competitor's blockbuster, the blue pill. What really got to me was where he chose to locate it - at a hot desk where temp stuff sits. It is a really inconspicuous spot. Me bring who I am , asked the question why we did not put it where the letter head and other stationery are located? It only makes sense, the folder for internal mail is located there too. And seriously, why 'create' a new location for stuff. I cannot comprehend. The icing on the cake was the King's reply. He said:" For some reason, I was told that this is the best location." Duh, don't you even question why it is the best location? Well, he really didn't need to. The reason is obvious, cause it is closer to Ms C's desk than the common area for stationery! That's why.

Another colleague also shared the same sentiments and wondered if it was risky to leave P&C stuff just lying around. Ms C had always been stated PII as the reason for her not doing 6S and stuff but yet it did not matter now to have them lying around openly. Really hate her double standards but I hated the King's foolishness! I mean, I don't even need you to be smart to detect MS C's selfish intention but you should think from a more logical angle and do the right thing! The place where the stupid blue box is now will eventually be taken by another colleague Ms S, and it will need to move anyway. I won't be surprised if it gets moved to Ms C's desk.

What lousy management....

The Sunflower Promise

Love can be simple....but we tend to complicate matters...and forget what it is like to really love...

I am the emo sort and I love that about it, I love those moments where I feel so close to some of our emotions...most of the time, it is being touched by something...

Watching this indie short TV movie, the Sunflower Promise gave me a lot of 'feel'...there were a lot of messages that the movie wants to convey...

- Love can be very simple
- Love is selfless..
- love is about how you want to be the Sun who is always there for the sunflower..
- Everyone has the ability to love, even the MID..

Love touches my heart, and this story cannot be simpler, more common...about 2 persons who just wants to overcome the odds to be together and eventually realises that letting go of each other was the best that they can do for each other...

And that sometimes, it is about sharing those memories that you will hold dear for the rest of your life that makes love beautiful and unforgettable.

Sadly, I would think that the unforgettables usually doesn't up in relationships that are happily ever after..relationships that ends up in marriage somehow become less magical cause you are living it and also cause it becomes intertwine with the mundane stuff in life. It is those episodes that live in your memories in the most glorious periods in your lives that will always have a secret place in all our hearts...

Think Rose in Titanic...

Working makes you fat...

CM & I have the tendency to stash food like we are hamsters or chipmunks. We often end up with too much food that we end up having to throw away. We feel bad about it and have been making a conscious effort to clean out the fridge every now and then and also resist buying stuff from the supermarket.

I have also been bringing food to work and that was when I realised that whilst we do not snack at home, I seem to be able to finish the stuff that I bring to my workplace quite efficiently. It does make sense if you think about it. Work can get tiring, boring, stressful etc etc..and we all need an outlet. You can't yell at the top of your lungs to relieve stress, your colleagues will surely shun you after that. You can take a nap, your boss will send you packing if he sees you doing that. There are no TV at work and there is too little time to go for a jog, so what are our options? It seems pretty clear now, isn't it? And it all seems to make sense why people out on weight once they start working. Time to stop blaming the flagging metabolism. Insight for the day for me man....but it is hard to balance not wasting food and snacking at work, which ends up in weight gain....

Solution: Healthier food options..so even if I have to bring them to work to finish, I am bringing healthier food...

Sense of purpose..

CM's dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things and now that we are married, I am not afraid to let him know. Just the other day, he was commenting how he thinks this guy we met works too hard that he doesn't have time for his family etc etc. I thought I highlighted to him that whilst there was some truth in what he said, he should not always choose to see things from one side. I felt that this person led a purposeful life, he for one knew what his passion was and worked hard for it. IMO, I think he leads a rather purposeful life. I mean, how many of us, dare say that we lead purposeful lives? Not many, I suspect. Well, my father-in-law wasn't too interested to hear what I had to say, as always, he didn't give two hoots about what women had to say about anything outside the kitchen. I hope he doesn't get too offended if I actually raise my voice at him one day when he steps over the line. My Mum-in-law does that to him too..haha...I promise I will only do so when he gets unreasonable and when there are no young children around.

Work has been quite terrible recently. There are just too much on the plate and I still have exams to study for. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything will work out.

Fragile

So I was just saying how I was mysteriously miserable over the weekend and it all got better yesterday? well, i spoke too soon. In the evening, after dinner, my throat started feeling scratchy..the same feeling I got 2 weeks ago when I fell sick. I checked my tongue, it was the 'Geographic Tongue' again...something tells me it might be food allergy again. I was darn sure it was the fish soup or something that went into it...or even the sauce or the chili. I was upset, I liked that fish soup a lot. CM reminded me that I also had a few mouths of his duck rice. This morning, i woke up with the worst sore throat ever, it was so bad, i woke up even before the alram clock rang. CM said his throat was also slightly sore so he thinks it might be something wrong with the duck rice cause he did not take my fish soup. I then had a slight fever and also had achy bones...seriously, i do not know what is wrong with me. My immunity seems to be getting real bad...coming down with this and that over the span of just a few weeks. I am not sure what i can do abt it, i can start exercising more and eating a more balanced diet...sigh...hope I will be well soon...

Anyway, there were also some tips I saw on tv that I wanted to record down here...there was this tip about mixing soda water with water in the ratio of 1:4, and the beautiful bouquet of flowers that we receive from family and friends can last a longer time. Useful tip to remember...

Mood swings are scary....

Over the weekend, I experienced the worst ever mood swing. I felt really low and so out of control. It is scary how the feeling just engulfs me and I can't jump out of the feeling. It was like I have a stone weighing on my chest and I can't get it off. The worst thing? There isn't really anything that is supposed to be bothering me! Was it something that I ate? The supplements I took to prepare for conception? It might be and if that is the case then it is really scary. Just for the records, I am not on any other medication. I am on another set of supplements from Forever but I have been taking those for many many months and have not felt anything like this before...

But now that I am back in office and back to work, I do feel a lot better, so another contributing might the house. Maybe I feel trapped in the house? Maybe the fengshui doesn't work for me anymore even though it was fine before. It is multi-factorial...and it is hard to arrive at anything concrete. CM says it is mid-life crisis...or Big 3 crisis...maybe...the one thing that I am telling myself now is that, I am not destined for big things so there is no point lamenting that I am not as successful as I would like to be. To be fair, I think I am doing alright but I would like to be doing better. I think I can be, and I will be, I just need to be a little more patient. And honestly, should I be defined by just work? And to make it worse, work for 'others', not even for myself, if u know what I mean. So, just the other day, I told CM, I wanna owe a business by 40. I wanna own a cafe of my own. Really, CM & I spoke about it before and I think I might have just the right concept to go along. The next 10 years will be saving up and preparing myself to this dream. A 10-year road map. I think I need a goal in life to work towards. Holidays spread through the year just doesn't spur me on anymore. I need something that is more meaningful and this might just be it!

Too busy....is BAD!!

I was really moody for most parts of Sunday...I still dunno why but one thing I thought about a lot is how we have time but don't really have it for the right things. I was watching TV and got really emotional cause it made me think when was the last time, CM & I shared a passionate kiss..I am not sure if it was because we do not have the time, do not see the need, finds it awkward or just am not in that phase of our lives anymore...and that is just one of those things. and all of a sudden, I feel engulfed by this feeling that my life is passing me by and I am not enjoying it. Well, you can argue that at least I am not ill or am living in a war zone, fair and I agree...but I just feel that it is precisely because I have the capacity to do more with my life that I should, if not I am wasting this 'chance' to lead a more fruitful life that many others would love to have...

So, let's see, what is one thing that I can do today to make today a little better than tomorrow?

Lazy Saturday afternoon

Reading List:
When We Were Romans - Matthew Kneale
The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time

Hairdos to consider for 2010, CNY..
I kinda like the Old Hollywood Bob..wonder if it'll make my face look fat..

http://www.refinery29.com/trend_spotting/2010_hair_trends_hairstyles.php

Replacement for hairbands: http://store.thetwistband.com/lookbook

Decorated the house with CNY trinkets...the same old ones we had for the past 2 years..staying true to the spirit of recycling but not contributing to the economy..hah..

Hoping to watch the Vampires' Assistant tonight...my first vampire show was 'Fright Night'...was so scared I slept with a pillow covering my neck for nights...but am somehow drawn to these stories after Twilight...well, maybe not just Twiling, also the likes of Harry Potter, Narnia etc..the mystical and mysterious, and yet I wrote on my FB status that I find the unknown somewhat scary..ironic..yeah, most women are like that and men are suckers for us...now, that's a real irony..

a food allergy i never knew about...

after two visits to the doctor, about a hundred bucks on meds, one medical certificate... i was told that i have a food allergy. one i never knew about till this morning. so what am i allergic to? to be honest, i don't know, even the doctor didn't know. although he did say it could a common item. shucks n horrors! ok, fine, i just need my voice back. its such a pain to be croaking! sobs...

Work is such a pain

Life would be such bliss if we did not have to work. I am not just saying so cause I am a lazy bum but work is no longer just work these days. There is politics, climbing the corporate ladder, strategizing this and that...

Given a choice, I don't think many people like to work. I do enjoy my work in its 'pure' form but I guess like what they say, it is always about the people.

Isn't life quite stressful, and is this what life is all about and should it be all that life is about? If we did not have to worry about bring food to the table, it'll be less stressful. For others, not living up to one's own expectations can be stressful. I belong tot he latter group. I believe that individuals should always be making improvements. And everyday, we need to be doing one thing to make today a bit better than tomorrow. And because the bar keeps getting raised, it becomes more stressful and harder to satisfy my appetite for improvement everytime.

Just the other day, I got on a cab and that proved to be the most harrowing taxi ride I have taken. I think the taxi driver must have been udner tremendous stress and is on the brink of a mental breakdown. The moment me and my sis got on his cab, he started saying things that did not make sense. It soon dawn upon us that he was very bitter that passengers were not flagging his cab and going for comfort taxis instead. He got really agitated when he spoke about the experiences he had with passengers who gave excuses for not taking his cab when they realise it is not a comfort cab. When we tried to explain that we are not selective about which company's taxi to take, he got even more agitated and called us liars..worse still, he obviously took a wrong route and my sis wasn't please. He kinda overheard us commenting that we seem to have been brought on a joyride, he said that he will not charge is for this leg of the ride and will only start charging aftermy sis gets off the cab. Totally weird....to cut the long story short, I arrived home safely, paid normal fare and the cabbie was much calmer afterwards.

I wasn't angry with the cabbie, in fact, I pity him, i think he must have been so stressed out with his 'work' and have had no one to speak to and it is making him lose his mind. I tried to make him shift his focus away from the things that make him made and to think about the important things in his life that he is working hard for.

At the end of the day, I think all he needed was a listening ear that was not quick to judge him. But other than that, I also think that there are many people in our society who are living life very stressfully...and life should never be like this. If you are stressed, find an avenue to de-stress before you go mad!

Realisation...

Sometimes, something so obvious stares us in the eye and we still choose to ignore it. I guess deep in our heart we all choose to believe that goodness exists.

I knew this colleague for almost 2 years now, and we got a long really well. She is the the sort that is friends with everyone and from my observation, she seem to be rather well-liked. Just the other day, during my performance review, my Boss cautioned me against hanging out with this group of colleague. He felt that we have created some sort of reputation that worked against us. He said that every single one in that group seemed to be getting a bad popularity rating these days. Till today, I choose to give everyone the benefit of doubt. I would not say that I do not trust what my Boss said but I kinda think that it might not be representative.

That said, some time ago, I did notice that colleague F1 has a rather loose mouth. To say that she cannot be trusted may be too harsh but she probably finds it hard to keep a secret, especially some hot gossip. There were more than occasion when I discovered that she had spilled the beans on something that I shared with her in confidence. I must say that took quite a bit of brownie points from her good friends rating. Oh well, what was I expecting. I knew long ago that it was hard to find friends at work. Relationship at work were usually out of convenience. It was for companionship and to make life a bit easier and time to pass faster. I am just glad that I have not shared anything really personal with this group and that this realisation came sooner than later.

Boss also told me that people found the F2 very fake. I actually didn't need him to tell me that. I honestly din mind just tagging along and cracking a few harmless silly jokes here and there. After all, it always helps to have one more friend than an enemy.

To be fair, the information sharing was good but I need to be smarter about what I choose to share with this group.

New Year, New Challenges, New Targets,

The end of 2009 and the dawn of 2010 was some what different from the ones from the years before. For one, it was the last year of the noughties and also draws the curtains for yet another decade, 2009 being the 3rd decade of my earthly existence.

It was, however, a sheer coincidence that I chose to do my annual work review with my boss on the very last day of 2009. The session proved to be very insightful and enlightening. It kinda set me thinking about 'stuff'....and so on the first working day of 2010, I decided that it was about time that I went with the flow and start being strategic about things at work.

I started this social experiment, I call it Project 'Hearts'. It is fundamentally about winning people over and getting them to be on your side. The assumption here is that with good working relationships, things get done a lot easier.

Move #1 - "Let's be 'Friends'"
For starters, I needed to take the initiative to show my sincerity to build relationship. Sacrifices was necessary. I ditched my usual lunch crew, explaining that there were new joiners to the team and I was obliged to lunch with the department. Half-truths are best when you do not want to burn bridges (Quote boss: You do not have to burn bridges, you can still lunch with 'them' from time to time).

1215h - I sashayed over to the area where M, C & L was sitting. E and A were on leave and EL was no where to be found. My original plan was to just blend in when the whole group went for lunch, and sticking to the new members of the team Y. This way, it would seem more subtle. But shucks, Y was nowhere to be found. Need to re-strategise. I pretended to read the papers for a bit...realised that they were not ready to lunch. Retreated back to my desk....consolidated thought....heard them stirring a little and talking about lunch...went over and asked them directly if they wanted to do lunch, M was quite nice about it and said yes. When C, M & L moved I joined in. It helped that A & E were not around. It was always easier to infiltrate a less guarded camp.

After latching on successfully, everything flowed according to plan. Conversations were cordial and polite, which was totally expected. After all, i wasn't current with their topics and I was akin to an 'alien'. As much as I am assessing their threat, they are assessing my threat as well. Whatever...

Bonus: Boss, Y, EL and Bear came to the cafeteria for lunch. Boss joined the table and we continued with lunch normally. After lunch, Boss IM me and asked how I managed to excused myself from the lunch crew. I told him that I told them the truth, well, half truth to be exact, but he didn't need the specifics. He acknowledged the effort to make the first move. Aced it.

Next target: A detail battle plan that demostrates sincere effort to form alliance

Moves: Lunch with the Home Team on all Tuesdays.

More social experiment updates in the next entry...

New Year, New Challenges, New Targets,

The end of 2009 and the dawn of 2010 was some what different from the ones from the years before. For one, it was the last year of the noughties and also draws the curtains for yet another decade, 2009 being the 3rd decade of my earthly existence.

It was, however, a sheer coincidence that I chose to do my annual work review with my boss on the very last day of 2009. The session proved to be very insightful and enlightening. It kinda set me thinking about 'stuff'....and so on the first working day of 2010, I decided that it was about time that I went with the flow and start being strategic about things at work.

I started this social experiment, I call it Project 'Hearts'. It is fundamentally about winning people over and getting them to be on your side. The assumption here is that with good working relationships, things get done a lot easier.

Move #1 - "Let's be 'Friends'"
For starters, I needed to take the initiative to show my sincerity to build relationship. Sacrifices was necessary. I ditched my usual lunch crew, explaining that there were new joiners to the team and I was obliged to lunch with the department. Half-truths are best when you do not want to burn bridges (Quote boss: You do not have to burn bridges, you can still lunch with 'them' from time to time).

1215h - I sashayed over to the area where M, C & L was sitting. E and A were on leave and EL was no where to be found. My original plan was to just blend in when the whole group went for lunch, and sticking to the new members of the team Y. This way, it would seem more subtle. But shucks, Y was nowhere to be found. Need to re-strategise. I pretended to read the papers for a bit...realised that they were not ready to lunch. Retreated back to my desk....consolidated thought....heard them stirring a little and talking about lunch...went over and asked them directly if they wanted to do lunch, M was quite nice about it and said yes. When C, M & L moved I joined in. It helped that A & E were not around. It was always easier to infiltrate a less guarded camp.

After latching on successfully, everything flowed according to plan. Conversations were cordial and polite, which was totally expected. After all, i wasn't current with their topics and I was akin to an 'alien'. As much as I am assessing their threat, they are assessing my threat as well. Whatever...

Bonus: Boss, Y, EL and Bear came to the cafeteria for lunch. Boss joined the table and we continued with lunch normally. After lunch, Boss IM me and asked how I managed to excused myself from the lunch crew. I told him that I told them the truth, well, half truth to be exact, but he didn't need the specifics. He acknowledged the effort to make the first move. Aced it.

Next target: A detail battle plan that demostrates sincere effort to form alliance

Moves: Lunch with the Home Team on all Tuesdays.

More social experiment updates in the next entry...