Jamie is one month old & Last day of confinement...

So here we are, Jamie is one month old today and it also marks the supposedly last day of my confinement. My confinement lady will be leaving tomorrow morning. Seeing her change the cot sheets for Jamie was just a somber reminder that we are going to be on our own from tomorrow. It doesn't help that Jamie was taking her morning naps well and kept waking up when I was due for my 9am pump. MIL seemed to be a little hard of hearing as Jamie's persistent wails did not seem to affect her. She continued to read her newspaper and watched her K-drama. Indeed she lives a much envied where the only thing that she seemed to be concerned about is if she can clear the next level in Candy Crush.

Oh well, what can I do about it? Jeff can't help it either much less me.  Will just have to take it a day at a time and hope that we can cope better on our own when Jamie grows up quickly.  On the other end, I am not sure Joshua is coping well with sharing our attention. Like us, he has no choice but to come to terms that things will be a little different with little Jamie but I am sure it will be better. We all just have to learn to trust in God, no matter how hard things get and when the going gets tough.

Yesterday I was feeling quite upset with Jeff for again not replying to my SMS. He does that pretty much all the time and I should really be getting used to it but question is if this is even something that one should condone. I mean, just looking how condoning tyranny has resulted to in the household.  But that said, bringing my displeasure up to Jeff's attention doesn't help the situation, he doesn't do well with such conversations. Which makes me wonder of our marriage is only good for 'health' but not for 'sickness'..It is like he only wants to good news and lives in denial that nothing is wrong.  More and more, he also seems to not care as much about the things I bring to his attention, he just climbs straight into bed and starts snoring in a bit.

I know he is a nice person, every body says that about him, he will happily offer friends that he thinks we do not need at the moment which we paid good money for without consulting me...but at the same time, 'it doesn't occur to him' to get his wife little presents or even a single stalk of rose when she delivered their 2nd child without epidural. He claims to have kissed me, I think he probably did but not one that I remembered much about.  So, there you have it...I think I am not alone here, many marriages probably fall victim to life...people just don't realize that marriage needs work. Men especially takes it like a box to check off i.e. Getting married, having children etc.and then moves on to tick off other boxes, somehow they seem to put in more effort in maintaining their cars than maintaining their marriages.

It is a sad sad feeling but I blogged about choices, so despite seeing how the best parts of our marriage withering or some say maturing or morphing into something else, I want to make that choice to be happy about life and to celebrate it. After all, my marriage is not the only thing that defines me, if this is one portion that is less than perfect, I should work on the rest to make up for it. Have I made an effort to try to wave a red flag to Jeff, I think I did but if it gets ignored every time then he is just waiting for an accident to happen in due course. I did my best, I really have. But now, I just want to focus on the well-being of my children and myself. For those who are not bothered about my well-being, I am not bothered about them either.

Acceptance...

I read a mummy's blog where she asked about how one can love in spite of chalenges. I can relate to some of the things she say like 'How do you love, when visits from grandparents always generate poor appetite and constipation from your child?'.  The past few weeks has been pretty much a roller coaster ride for me. Nobody is to blame except for me. When things do happen the way they have played out in my head, I get stressed and all. Many times, I am reminded to leave things to God for He alone knows best, I remind myself that I need to trust in Him to have made plans for me and my loved ones.  I had been really adamant about breastfeeding that I have put a lot of stress on myself.  Accepting that it doesn't work for me and Jamie was difficult, somehow even more so than when I tried to do so with Joshua.  It will take time and in time to come I will probably come to terms with it. But at this point in time, it is still a raw nerve and I still wonder why I am unable to do it and wonder if I could have persevere a bit longer. Oh well...like Jeff says, make the best decision possible at this point in time and stick with it. 

Acceptance doesn't come easy for me. This is also the reason why I have hidden the truth about coming from a single-parent family from friends for a very long time, yes, even my closest friends. I felt embarrassed, insecure, ashame of my family background. I think it is largely cause I have not accepted it as part of me.  The truth of it is that I never quite know what defines me but that there is a strong desire to be accepted in my circle of friends.  Some call it insecurities.

But more important than acceptance is the choice that one makes. I am sure you'd heard a million times that to be happy is a choice. It really is, one can choose to wallow in misery but is equally empowered to choose to spend every waking minute being happy. Our Lord chose to forgive those who betrayed Him because He loved everyone of us.  I am not saying it is easy but it is up to you to decide how you would like for things to be for you. My confinement lady shared with me that when her husband did not wake up from his sleep one morning almost 20 years ago, her world curmbled, after all what was she going to do to bring up her 5 young children single-handedly.  The sorrow consumed her for a year when she finally decided that she needed to pick herself up, find a job so she can support her children. And she never really did look back. Does it mysteriously not hurt anymore that day one year later? I am sure it still does even many years later today but she chose to close the chapter so she can move on and be there for her children.  It was a choice that she needed to make for her children and herself. After all, lamenting the death of her beloved wasn't going to change things but deciding to move on will make things better.

It is amazing how when you open your heart to listen to the Holy Spirit as it pours out its wisdom to you, there are important lessons that we can learn with every heartbeat. 

Dear God, thank you for speaking to me through the Holy Spirit...my words do not suffice to express my love for you being there for me in every one of the challenges I have faced in life so far but I know you can hear the voice deep within me for no one knows me like you do...Amen!

No kiss?

I think it is fair to say that I am the 'glass half full' kind of person. Personally I think it is a defense mechanism that I have put in place. The sort that helps to manage expectations, where if things turned out better than expected than it's a bonus, if not, then it is all within expectation.  The down side is that I tend to get a bit negative about most things.  When things are not exactly going my way I tend to feel really down. It is not to the extent that I can go on operating normally but rather I will be feeling unenthusiastic about things.  The past two years has been so much of an uphill climb for me that I am mostly feeling not at peace with things.  It is a very lousy feeling and much as I tried to, I am just unable to get out of it. Maybe things will be better when we are all much more settled with Jamie and the crazy hormones are out of the way.

This morning, after kissing Joshua goodbye, I was waiting for his Papa to give me a goodbye kiss...but it didn't happen. In fact, he walked past me and did not even bade me goodbye. Was I surprised? Well, not really, glass half full, remember? Disappointed? Definitely, but I know he probably had things on his mind...the fire fighting waiting for him in office, getting to work on time cause his boss was on leave. So yes, I understand. Thought of sending him a message, someone mean like 'Didn't even give me a goodbye kiss!' to something cheeky like 'You forgot something...' but then I thought...what's the point. I know he will explained to say that it just didn't cross his mind and I know it is probably true. Just like how our DNAs dictate the color of our eyes and hair, being sensitive to others feeling is just not part of his DNA code.

I then went on to login to my Facebook account to look at what others are up to.  The reason why FB is so successful is really how it provides the answer to the human need to be connected.  It also provides an insight to the lives of others and what you are missing out.  Today, I saw a young ex-colleague whom many said bears some resemblance to me update her profile photo. That photo reminded me of a photo of me and Jeff taken several years ago. The sparkle in the eyes spoke of heart-felt happiness. Today, I am not sure I am capable of smiling that way any more. The reality of it is that I really should not be complaining about things. There is so much to be thankful about that I am not sure why I feel jaded about most things.  Tired perhaps? Lack of sparks in life generally? Or perhaps it is just a natural progression in life...the one that some calls maturity. If that is really what maturity is like then I would like to remain child-like in some aspects. That is probably also why Susan is always quite chirpy about things. I don't think she over-thinks things.  We were subjected to the same growing up environment but her defense mechanism towards the unhappiness we faced was probably to just fob off the negative things and not think about them at all whereas I try to take control by playing out all the possible worse case scenarios in my head.  

Today, I ask our Lord to help lift me up as I surrender all my worries in this world to him. I ask the Holy Spirit to overflow within me so there is no more space for those unnecessary worries that is consuming from within. I asked our Holy Mother to pray for me as I strive to become a happier person so the joy can be shared with my husband and children. Amen.

Jamie is 3 weeks old!

For those other than the parents who are in the thick of things, it may seem like time has flown by to read the title that 3 weeks has past since Jamie was blessed to our family.  I have never been a fan of changes and needless to say, coming home with a new life that is wholly dependent on me and Jeff is a huge change.  Just when we have kind of settled into a comfortable with Joshua and is enjoying him despite his terrible two, introducing a baby changes the whole ball game.  And maybe it is that we are suckers for challenges, just like how we were juggling wedding with home reno before, recon of the house and looking after Josh, we have brought things to a new level by being pregnant, managing Josh and work and now caring for a newborn.  

At this stage, you don't really get that sense of fulfillment that people talk about. Instead, there is plenty of frustration trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, managing the jealous toddler and of course a crying baby that causes sleep deprivation.  Jeff has been a great team player through it all but being a comforting husband has never been his strength. He is an engineer by training after all. He tends to go on the solution-mode most of the time.  Doesn't help that my hormones are still having a rave party, so I get teary quite a bit. You just can't help it.  I guess it is nature's way of helping one to relieve some pent up stress and frustration.  

So come Friday, we will be holding Jamie's full-month party. From recollection, the real challenge comes thereafter cause it is also when my dearest confinement lady leaves us. This means that there isn't someone to pass the baby to when you need to run to the loo or when Joshua is fussing. It also means that we have to take on the night duties ourselves. And since I am on Maternity Leave, it seems only fair that I should cover night duties....wait a minute, wouldn't that mean I am on 24-7 duty?!! Oh yes, if you haven't realize by now, parenting is a 24-7 job and it is pretty much a lifetime contract. I guess there is always my helper and Jeff's mum around in the day if I need a break for a bit.  Oh well, guess we'll just have to hang in there for a bit. Like they say, it all gets better as the kiddo hits those development milestones. Take it 3 weeks, 3 months at a time.

I am not sure if it is because we are leaving Jamie to Auntie most of the time for now (we know that we had better take advantage of this help while we have it), except for when she needs to be nursed, she displays rather different behavior from Joshua.  It may be because I was inexperienced and overwhelmed.  Josh was the sort of baby who cannot be put down and needs to be carried in a sling most of the time. He was also rather unsettled when he sleeps hence why Jeff and I were sleeping on the floor with him for a while. Ironically, I remembered the decision to sleep on the floor beside him turned out to be a great idea as we seem to rest better and so did Joshua.  That said, I do hope we do not have to sleep on the playmat for the months to follow.

Anyway, I know I should learn to take things easy and take things in my stride, cross the bridge when we come to it etc. Am praying for God's mercy and guidance from the Holy Spirit to do the right thing.  Pray for me too won't you...