No kiss?

I think it is fair to say that I am the 'glass half full' kind of person. Personally I think it is a defense mechanism that I have put in place. The sort that helps to manage expectations, where if things turned out better than expected than it's a bonus, if not, then it is all within expectation.  The down side is that I tend to get a bit negative about most things.  When things are not exactly going my way I tend to feel really down. It is not to the extent that I can go on operating normally but rather I will be feeling unenthusiastic about things.  The past two years has been so much of an uphill climb for me that I am mostly feeling not at peace with things.  It is a very lousy feeling and much as I tried to, I am just unable to get out of it. Maybe things will be better when we are all much more settled with Jamie and the crazy hormones are out of the way.

This morning, after kissing Joshua goodbye, I was waiting for his Papa to give me a goodbye kiss...but it didn't happen. In fact, he walked past me and did not even bade me goodbye. Was I surprised? Well, not really, glass half full, remember? Disappointed? Definitely, but I know he probably had things on his mind...the fire fighting waiting for him in office, getting to work on time cause his boss was on leave. So yes, I understand. Thought of sending him a message, someone mean like 'Didn't even give me a goodbye kiss!' to something cheeky like 'You forgot something...' but then I thought...what's the point. I know he will explained to say that it just didn't cross his mind and I know it is probably true. Just like how our DNAs dictate the color of our eyes and hair, being sensitive to others feeling is just not part of his DNA code.

I then went on to login to my Facebook account to look at what others are up to.  The reason why FB is so successful is really how it provides the answer to the human need to be connected.  It also provides an insight to the lives of others and what you are missing out.  Today, I saw a young ex-colleague whom many said bears some resemblance to me update her profile photo. That photo reminded me of a photo of me and Jeff taken several years ago. The sparkle in the eyes spoke of heart-felt happiness. Today, I am not sure I am capable of smiling that way any more. The reality of it is that I really should not be complaining about things. There is so much to be thankful about that I am not sure why I feel jaded about most things.  Tired perhaps? Lack of sparks in life generally? Or perhaps it is just a natural progression in life...the one that some calls maturity. If that is really what maturity is like then I would like to remain child-like in some aspects. That is probably also why Susan is always quite chirpy about things. I don't think she over-thinks things.  We were subjected to the same growing up environment but her defense mechanism towards the unhappiness we faced was probably to just fob off the negative things and not think about them at all whereas I try to take control by playing out all the possible worse case scenarios in my head.  

Today, I ask our Lord to help lift me up as I surrender all my worries in this world to him. I ask the Holy Spirit to overflow within me so there is no more space for those unnecessary worries that is consuming from within. I asked our Holy Mother to pray for me as I strive to become a happier person so the joy can be shared with my husband and children. Amen.